Hey Angie... (Raymond)

Hey Angie,

Those dreaded calls or texts that things have gone a bit downhill overnight are really starting to get a bit old now babe.

As I sit next to you in HDU, I see the machines you are connected to and look over to you sleeping away. I am again left to my thoughts and what seem to be, ever increasing voices in my head; you know the ones... one that says everything will be ok and the other that says the opposite (I still can't acknowledge that voice out loud).

A watched pot never boils, or so they say. Maybe if I sit with you for 24 hours a day, seven days a week you might not deteriorate any further and in fact, you might even get better faster.

I can love you back to full health if you want, that's easily done.

We have a puppy that needs her Mum at home, and a future planned that we talked about just last night. Remember? The hanging swinging tree near the spa pool in our back yard, the fully fenced section so Holly can run around.

I've also been thinking we are going to need a massive deck for all the dinner parties filled with laughter and happiness and silliness and people trying to solve the problems of the world over one of our bottles of red wine.

I have decided this has gone on long enough now my Angie, time to get better. Time for your cancer to go away forever, time for me to take you home and time for us to start the next phase of our lives together (I have estimated the next phase to take approximately 45 years... until you get too old and cranky and bossy).

I don't care what the doctors say or what their prognosis is, I need to maintain my belief that you are going to beat this.

Right, enough said. On with the getting well... are we clear?

To visit previous blog entries, select posts from the archives on the right hand side of my blog page or click on “older posts” at the bottom.

Guy Fawkes

Well Ange has got a bug in her blood and an inflamed colon which is causing her most of the pain. She still has ulcers in her mouth and probably all the way down the digestive tract. Doctor has been in and says this is very much just par for the course when you have undergone intensive chemotherapy. Problem is, it is painful any time she eats which doesn't exactly encourage her to snack on anything.

Still, after a night with Mumoose and plenty of pain killers she is a tiny bit better than yesterday, albeit she is still sore and miserable.

The positive is that she has no cancer cells in the blood or spinal fluid for now.

Ange will be neutropenic for at least another two weeks which is a long time to leave the body vulnerable to bugs and infection.

Guy Fawkes Night tonight so hopefully we can set Ange up in the lazy boy in the corner of her room so she can look out the window at the fireworks! Whoop whoop.

In case it has been missed on anyone, yes, I am a little bit smitten with my fiancée; on that note as I sit next to her and look over at her little semi-bald head, I think she looks sooo beautiful and super cute, she is very drowsy and falls asleep mid-sentence (my conversation and jokes can be a bit boring though).

November 4

Ange is in a lot of pain in her tummy mostly, with also a sore throat and tongue due to ulcers. She has had an x-ray on her stomach which has ruled out anything too sinister. Doctors believe it is either an inflamed bowel or infection or similar. Antibiotics have hopefully started to work in the last few hours and they have upped her pain relief. 

It's amazing, as miserable as she is she is still gorgeous!

While the doctors are keeping a close eye on her, they aren't tripping over themselves with concern. We believe this is just comes with the territory for someone with zero immunity.

Mumoose has been by her side this afternoon and is booked in for the overnight stay; where oh where would we be without our Mum's?!

I know so many of you are feeling helpless and hopeless when there is nothing you can do. I guess we are lucky in some respects that we can at least sit and hold her hand and kiss her bald little head. The best thing you can do is send your love and prayers.

Loads of sleep and rest (and painkillers) are the order for the next couple of days at least.

To visit previous blog entries, select posts from the archives on the right hand side of my blog page or click on “older posts” at the bottom.

The Effects of Chemo Kick-in!!

Awwww, my poor girl is really feeling the effects today. This is not unexpected, but it still sucks to see it.

I have received a list of things that hurt at the moment, so far we have throat, tongue, tummy and arm. Ange has a clot in one of the tubes in her PIC line; this is causing a lot of pain and the doctors are just devising a plan. When her nurse asked if she needed anything, Ange asked for the most amount of pain killers (please).

Due to her feeling so poorly and having zero immunity, she has been banned from having visitors outside of immediate family, just for now at least.

As mentioned, feeling like this is not unexpected and is more than likely just the side effects of intensive chemotherapy. Her specialist said on Friday that she will feel worse as they now weaning her off the steroids she was taking to assist in keeping pressure off her brain. 

I am personally happy about her being weaned off the steroids as she was starting to get significantly bigger guns than me and I knew a case of "roid rage" was just around the corner.

Just so you can picture it a little, Ange is down one end of the ward in a special area for patients similar to her. To get here you have to go through two sets of doors and only one set can be open at one time (limiting the dirty air into the area). The area is fitted with state of the art industrial air filters and there is a pressure gauge above the door to each room. It's not as full on as it sounds, but that's some of the precautions they take.

You'll be pleased to know however, that despite feeling like shite, my Angie is still able to boss me around and tell me off for things I do wrong - it's comforting for me that way.

Thanks as always for the prayers and support (you'll probably be sick of hearing me end like this, but it really does mean so much to all of us).

Do me a favour and find someone you love and give them a big kiss and a hug and remind them how much they mean to you.

What anyone else would do

I've been overwhelmed by the inspiration people have drawn from my journey with cancer and adversity.

I still find it difficult to understand / grasp and therefore claim.

I feel like I'm only doing what anyone in my situation would do.  I don't think there is anything special about me.

I feel truly humbled and grateful that people have gotten something valuable out of my experience.

To visit previous blog entries, select posts from the archives on the right hand side of my blog page or click on “older posts” at the bottom.

Off it comes!

Well its official, Ange is as stunning without hair as she is with hair.

Today was a fun day, a couple of family and friends gathered around the hospital bed to help out as Ange had her head shaved. The Smith brothers took control of the scissors and clippers, Ian Smith said it was probably pay back for something!

We drank bubbles and shared in just another step in Ange's treatment. Thanks so much to Mark and Kim Stuttard for bringing the helium balloons. Thanks also to Christopher Lane for coming and taking lots of pictures and video of the occasion.

Ange was also joined by her future sister in law, Robyn who helped chalk up a storm. Of course, no event ever runs smoothly without Mumoose, things would not have gone so well - Mum's really are soooo clever.

Fear not, the new neck tattoos were courtesy of a vivid and while they took a little scrubbing, they have been successfully removed.

Today Ange has begun feeling some of the physical effects of Chemotherapy. She is also feeling a little emotionally down and asked me if I could take her home (oh if I could!). I will never be able to understand just how tough it is for her being stuck in a small room without her freedom. 

If you want something specific to pray for today, it's Ange's emotional health.

Lots of love to all! x

   

From one sibling to another.  Makeshift wig.

Cheers!

To visit previous blog entries, select posts from the archives on the right hand side of my blog page or click on “older posts” at the bottom.

Saying goodbye to the hair!